Breaking the Six Deadly Dating Patterns – an interview with Dr. Diana Kirschner

By Tracey Cox for MailOnline. Einstein said the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results. Yet many of us have ‘revolving door’ relationships: we date people with the same looks and personality traits, over and over, even though it’s clearly not working for us. After all, if they were the right type for you, you’d still be with them, right? If you’re dating the same person without getting the result you want, it’s clearly time to rethink. How do you know if you’re dating the same type? Do you meet them in the same sort of place? Do they look the same?

Toxic Personalities & how exactly to Break the Bad Dating Pattern

Photo by Stocksy. Women always ask me, “Why do I keep dating jerks? Sounds like tough love, and maybe it is. But there’s actually a deeper meaning behind it: We attract what we think we deserve. And what we think we deserve is usually rooted in what we experienced or witnessed in our early childhood development.

Breaking the Six Deadly Dating Patterns – an interview with Dr. Diana Kirschner. love u podcast. Share · Tweet. Dr. Diana Kirschner is a psychologist, author.

P icture this: a couple is arguing, and one person seems to be on the attack…complaining, demanding, or trying to argue with the other. His or her protests or comments get louder and more frustrated, but the other partner is cold and unresponsive, refusing to engage. After a while, the other partner stops talking or even walks away. It happens when one member of a couple criticizes, demands, and attacks, while the other member withdraws or ignores him or her.

A recent large review of over 70 studies of the pattern shows the damage the demand-withdraw habit can cause. Demand-withdraw behavior has also been linked to mental health issues like depression and anxiety, and physical health concerns like problems with digestion and the urinary system. It may even be a sign of impending divorce.

Once couples get into this pattern, it can be tough to get out of. So, what can you do if this is happening in your own relationship? Also, take a look at this List of 10 Rules for Constructive Conflict and see if you are following them. In active listening, you restate what the other person says as a way to be sure that you understood. You also check on what you think the other person may be feeling. For instance:. Although active listening may take a little while to learn, and can feel awkward at first, it can really improve relationships.

A Few Thoughts on Negative Dating Patterns, Toxic Behaviour And Self-Reflection

Skin: Journal Frankfurt Skin: welovepur. Top-Meldungen per Mail erhalten. Kunst-News per Mail erhalten Artweek Absenden. Galia Brener’s column 0. Foto: Polina Brener.

If your dating life is a mess, it’s easy to feel as if you’re cursed with bad luck in love. We’ll let you in on a secret: while there are raqre .

The depths are unknown, and you have to be able to swim, or at the very least, keep your eyes peeled for sharks. But let me be clear: I can count on two hands how many I actually met in person. And sure, some of those conversations probably blossomed out of vanity on my end. Lonely nights watching The Holiday and scarfing down a pint of ice cream paired nicely with the admiration of a cute stranger on Bumble.

But the majority of those conversations had good intentions. I strayed from being care-free about who I actually met in person. After all, I live in Los Angeles, the land of too-large egos and people acting out perfectly crafted personas. Plus, I had the age-old issue of dating guys that were essentially the same person, but with different faces.

So I carefully vetted these men. One by one. Conversation by conversation. And I think I did pretty well, given I have zero dating horror stories. I never once had someone waste my night by only talking about themselves. I managed to dodge any racists, misogynists, or egos that needed their own zip code.

Always attracting the same kind of men? Here’s how to break the toxic cycle

You may analyze your last interaction with such scrutiny that Sherlock Holmes would be proud. When someone we have feelings for disappears or pulls away unexpectedly, we often personalize it and assume it must have been something we did wrong. It can be helpful to explore your own role in repetitive dating patterns since sometimes you may be unintentionally engaging in certain dating behaviors that push others away.

I spent many years being a serial dater and the harmful patterns I developed back then can still creep up on me sometimes. I don’t want to date out of habit.

Do any or most of these previous lovers remind you of somebody that you know? Our relationships in many cases are centered on projected product. The first habits of interactions in our comfort zone that we learned with our opposite-sex parent might lead us to the same patterns again, keeping us. Therefore also if you may keep telling your pals that you would like one thing various — possibly an even more thoughtful partner, a person who accepts you for who you really are and does not attempt to get a grip on you — you will probably nevertheless gravitate into the managing parental figure, a character you might be knowledgeable about and possess experience managing.

That you want a different kind of partner in your adult life as you mature and grow, you may recognize. To understand your self may be the initial step to gaining the capacity to acknowledge and recognize similar habits in relationships — also to prevent them. Should you this, you then make enough space for the right relationship to enter.

Since you have actually changed, you might start to attract someone different, a much better individual. From my experience as being a researcher and educator, with a Ph.

Break Your Disastrous Dating Patterns…

Specifically with dating, our past experiences influence how we act, and sometimes, they form a pattern, but not necessarily a positive one. This can be influenced by a connection between feeling desirable and our self-worth, as well as a natural reluctancy to change. Lily Walford, dating coach at Love With Intelligence , recommends that you ask yourself a few hard questions:. A different environment or approach to meeting someone could open you up to new possibilities — and in turn, help you break the pattern.

Give Up Your Codependent Habits. Many women find themselves in a cruel pattern of dating the same type of abusive men. I found myself.

During Bustle’s App-less April , a challenge to date without apps for 30 days, I pushed myself outside my comfort zone and hit the delete button on all of my dating apps. I felt so empowered by the challenge that I took it a step further and decided to take a break entirely from dating. When I first began my dating detox , I felt totally exhausted and burned out from the hookup culture. Years of being ghosted, strung along, and mistreated had left a toll on my emotions.

By taking a step back from the dating world, I was able to reflect on the relationships. I realized an emerging theme: all of my relationships had been emotionally abusive and unstable. I dated men who picked apart my appearance and my clothing. I dated men who shamed me for my past. I dated men who compared me to other women. In all of these instances, I stayed silent. I put in every effort to emulate their ideal woman. Still, no matter how much I changed, I was never good enough.

I now understand that my dating habits were driven by my mindset and my inner belief system.

17 Millennials Reveal The Dating Habits They Want To Drop

Maybe they’ve all been emotionally unavailable, career focused or too full on. Often our beliefs have an impact on what we attract and are attracted to. But they can hold us back and narrow our perspective on life.

Have you been down the same dating path before and do not know how to break your dating patterns? In this blog, I talk about just that.

You’ve been dating the same type of guy or gal for years — controlling, dominating, manipulative — and you can’t seem to break the pattern. Your friends are constantly asking: “Why are you always drawn to these type of people, when they make you so unhappy? Do any or all of these former partners remind you of someone in your life? If you examine closely, I bet you’ll see a resemblance between these toxic personalities to the earliest relationship you had with the opposite sex: usually, your mother or father.

Our relationships are often based on projected material. We gravitate to people who let us do what we know how to do — whether positive or negative — people who are familiar to us. The early patterns of interactions that we learned with our opposite-sex parent might lead us to the same patterns again, keeping us in our comfort zone. So even though you may keep telling your friends that you want something different — maybe a more thoughtful partner, one who accepts you for who you are and doesn’t try to control you — you will likely still gravitate to the controlling parental figure, a personality you are familiar with and have experience handling.

How To Break Your Relationship Pattern